Day 48 Toxic Stress

Despite normally being able to just carry on everyday and brush off 'life's little annoyances', there are times when elderly parents, teenage children and unreasonable other people just converge to take you out.

I tend to carry a pretty high level of toxic stress around with me. It's not my choice, I scrape off as much stress as I can, but there are things in life we have handed to us that we can't just scrape off. There are things we can control and so out of some self preservation, I gave away my littlest poodle. Yes, it was to relieve stress but it brought me a lot more stress in the process, and no, not like, "Do I now change my blog to Screaming Poodle?" I don't want to talk about it.

Like I said, I normally handle life with aplomb despite the static but today it took me out. I felt bad, I was shaking and forgetful, stupid even, and just the most mundane tasks were hard. I endeavored to eat right but I'm wondering really if I can even do that right. Anytime I work out really hard I crave salt like crazy and there doesn't seem to be a cure for that. If I were to crave sweets (and I don't) it just means I need to eat more sweet fruit but the same isn't true for salt. I don't eat salt so eating more of it doesn't work. I've occasionally had popcorn and hated myself and it hated me and it didn't fix the problem. I'm really not sure what to do during those times. The only advice I get is to eat more.

I seem to have gotten a grip or groove that 2500 calories is good for me, sometimes more but now I see I'm supposed to exercise 40% of those off everyday if I don't want to fail at this. I looked at my last work out which involved 2.5 miles on the treadmill and a mile in the pool - no small time commitment there and realized even at that I'd only shaved off 25% of my intake that day by burning 625 calories, according to Fitday. I needed to burn closer to 1000.

WTF? I mean seriously - I'm a single mom. I have a teenage girl. I take care of my elderly dementia ridden mother. I deal with lots of other barking and quacking in my life from other sources to boot on top of all of that. To say it's stressful would be to say the ocean contains water. I'm recovering from years of being sick with a brain tumor and recently a very involved hysterectomy. I don't sleep at night. I sleep now an hour or two, occasionally more but then I'm often up for hours. I'm not feeling too well. The thought of having to fit in 15% more exercise is overwhelming and I'm not making it to the gym everyday as it is.

Last but not least I'm reading that according to 80/10/10 I need to be 'emotionally poised'. As in, without stress. I'd laugh at that if it weren't so tragic. So what do I do? Is there anyone in the U.S. who is 'emotionally poised'? Are YOU? If so, I want to meet you and let you spend the afternoon with my mother and then the evening with my daughter. What am I supposed to do? Is my only solution really to send my 82 year old mother off to another state so I don't have to deal with her anymore, and thus never see her again (which is what would happen because I don't have the means to visit my niece) and my daughter back to my ex? And get rid of all the other stressful people in my life including the people at Medicare who make no sense to me in terms of my mother's benefits and then I can become a raw vegan?

I dunno. Any of my friends over in Banana Land care to help?