Day 51 Caution: Life Ahead

photo credit Gwen@Flickr

My life: World record for most speed bumps per square inch.

On Thursday I had some persistent itching on my side from my back and across my ribs. Hmmm. In the back of my mind I knew better, but decided to chalk it up to the possibility of some soap residue on my skin.

It returned again Thursday evening around bedtime.

On Friday morning I went back to bed forever after taking my daughter to the bus stop. Laying on my right side seemed painful as well as itchy. I've been impossibly tired lately. Nothing seems to help. It's so easy to blame 'the diet', but I can't ignore the fact that I'm depressed and run down from too much stress lately. 'Luckily', stress ramped itself up 100 more notches Thursday night thanks to my darling pre-teen daughter.

Friday night I knew I was doomed and needed to see the doctor first thing Saturday morning. "I went to the doctor with mom today and she has Sherpels disease", I hear my daughter tell my ex on the phone tonight.

By the time he called back to say WTF... my Sherpels had been downgraded to Shingles. Ah, yes, now it makes sense, as if any of my life ever really does. Everyone knows that only characters in Dr. Seuss stories ever get Sherpels.

For the record, I did not see the doctor. I saw the nurse practitioner. I never get to see the doctor except for the one 'fortuitous' encounter when the blithering (female) troll told me I should have both my ovaries removed so I could do away with, you know, that pesky sex drive. My male GYN was appalled. I wasn't reporting any sex drive issues, nor was I interested, Dr. Weinstock, in your slight of 'hand' that revealed yours. I was asking about the wisdom of keeping one ovary vs removing both. Oy.

Anyway, this nurse practitioner has never ceased to be a complete moron and complete morons are rare. I hesitate to even give him credit as a nurse much less a nurse practitioner. I know so many more highly intelligent people in the nursing field.

The first time I met him he 'diagnosed' me with 'bipolar disorder'. I was very sick that day and was suffering some anxiety over what was going on with me. Truth is you can't diagnose someone with bipolar disorder the first time you meet them, and certainly not in a 5 minute evaluation, I don't care who you are.

Furthermore, having been through 14 continuous years (my entire marriage...) of therapy, complete with visits to a psychiatrist to treat major depression as well as having been administered all the regular psychiatric tests, not once was I ever diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Just major depression attributable to living with an alcoholic. I think they would have clearly established if I was bipolar at some point over 14 years of care. Right.

Oh but he didn't stop there. He also 'diagnosed' my Vit D deficiency as IBS or Crohns or possibly colon cancer without any formal tests. This guy has the psychic powers of a medically sterilized turd. Ahem, I had Vit D deficiency. Let's not make it out to be anymore than that.

Since I despise this person, naturally that's who I get today. I tell him I've had this before. I'm having relentless itching again with pain in a band around my right side, across my ribs.

He informs me itching is not associated with Shingles.

Quoting from WebMD regarding Shingles:

* Pain or a bruised feeling -- usually on one side of your face or body -- often along with a fever, chills, headache, or upset stomach.
* Tingling, itching, or prickling skin and an inflamed, red skin rash several days later.
* A group or long strip of small, fluid-filled blisters.
* Deep burning, searing, aching, or stabbing pain, which may occur once in a while or last a long time.

I said, "Are you f*cking kidding me? I think you need to update your education." He retreated immediately.

I trounced him previously on the bipolar disorder and the Vit D. oversight. Drama Queen, much? He should know better than to mess with me by now. He's easy game but it's a shallow victory to have to put the hammer down on the guy every time I go in there. It's not satisfying in any way that my 'health care provider' is a massive idiot.

He determines my right eye is also affected, though says it's rare to see it in two places, so it may not be unless my immune system is compromised or I have HIV.

HELLO! Shingles IS an outcropping of an immune system crash. God this man is dumber than a box of hair and for the record, last time I had it I had it on BOTH sides of my back. 'Fortunately', I had meningitis at the same time ( I'm a multi-tasker) so the 10 day coma and round the clock nursing care in an isolation facility really came in handy to avoid the unpleasantness of Shingles. I recommend it to everyone *rolls eyes*

He tells me if my eye gets worse to see an ophthalmologist as I could lose my vision. Yeah, I'll do that and avoid coming back in here, trust me. Though going blind and never laying eyes on you again is looking like the better option all around.

He writes a script for Valtrex and I ask for Motrin for pain. He says, "What pain? Are you having back pain or something?"

I said, "THE PAIN OF SHINGLES. IT'S A VERY PAINFUL CONDITION. I'M NOT ASKING FOR NARCOTICS. I'M ASKING FOR RX MOTRIN. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?"

"OH", he says. "The pain. I see. Okay."

GOD HELP ME.